John Stanford: Personal Baggage Allowance

In John Stanford: Employment Agency?, I documented Seattle’s greatest disaster since the arrival of the first white settlers in the area — the near loss of Seattle Schools Superintendent and literary agent John $tanford to any of a number of anonymous corporate giants from across the nation (except the Seattle area) who wanted to seduce the General with more money than Seattle taxpayers could offer.

I was a little curt, insulting, even uncharacteristically hostile. I argued that $tanford, who is a total loser as a leader, doesn’t deserve his present salary and suggested that his job offer was merely a fabrication designed to blackmail Seattle’s ignorant majority into throwing more money at him.

In this letter to the editor (me), I’m going to do something I’ve never before done in print — apologize. That’s right, I’m smart enough to recognize a mistake and big enough to admit it.

Recognition came with an article in The Seattle Post-Intelligencer, “Stanford turns down $500,000 bonus offer” (January 27, 1998), subtitled “Give money to underpaid teachers instead, he says.” I remained cynical as the author, Ruth Teichroeb, recorded $tanford’s gallant statement, “If I had $500,000 in my hands today, what I would probably do with it is to do something for our magnificent teachers in our schools who don’t even make a living wage.” (What about your $500,000 book advance, John? I’d even take your $9,000 car allowance!) I resisted the urge to hold my head up high when the General described the offer as “flattering not only to me but to the Seattle school system.”

I didn’t try to feel $tanford’s pain when Alliance for Education president Robin Pasquarella lamented, “It was uncomfortable to John to have so much public focus on this issue when he’s trying to make so many changes [in superintendent’s perks?].” Nor did my heart soften at the words of Seattle School Board President Barbara Schaad-Lamphere: “I think it was turning into a divisive issue [like from Day #1?] and this district doesn’t need that. We have a world of woes beyond what John gets paid.” [like what John says, does, and doesn’t say and do?]

And I wasn’t impressed to learn that $tanford had “brushed aside” questions about whether his blackmail attempt had compromised the levy campaign, saying taxpayers could distinguish between the two issues. (I don’t know, some Seattle taxpayers are pretty stupid, and even I’m having a tough time reconstructing John $tanford’s near hijacking from the amateurish articles that have been pasted in the papers the last few weeks.)

But then I read something unexpected, something that softened my heart — just a little. Apparently, some nosy reporter(s) asked $tanford why he waited almost two weeks after reaching his momentous rejection decision to tell his loyal subjects the good news. The famous author retorted that he’s sick and tired of having his salary scrutinized. I had to admit, it wouldn’t be much fun trying to write a leadership book if the paparazzi were constantly asking questions about your $150,000 salary, $36,000 annuity, $9,000 car allowance, new office, and other perks we don’t yet know about.

A tear escaped my eye as I read on. “How dare you ask me how much is enough?” retorted $tanford. “You don’t know what I make [Amen], what my commitments are [Amen], what [?]. You have no idea what it is that I do [Amen], whether or not I support aged parents or in-laws or whether I’m working against a legal suit.”

I was stunned, ashamed of my carelessness as an investigative reporter and my thoughtlessness as a human being turned teacher. Aged parents and deadbeat in-laws? Legal suits? Why didn’t you tell us, John? Hey, if you’re carrying a lot of personal baggage, then maybe you deserve all the money society can throw at you! I’d be happy to campaign for a half-million-dollar bonus to help $tanford pay off credit card debts, bail his children out of jail, or get a three-car garage with a view for his in-laws!

To get the ball rolling, I’d like to suggest some superintendent bonuses that might be allocated for various types of personal baggage.

• Salary: $150,000
• Annuity: $36,000
• Car Allowance: $9,000
• Paid Vacation: 35 days
• New Office: Yes

• Deadbeat In-laws: $50,000
• Aged Parents: $100,000 apiece
• Children With Problems: $25,000 each
• Legal Suits: $50,000-$1,000,000 (plus airfare, if they’re in Atlanta, Georgia, or other locations outside Seattle)
• Roofs that leak on you when you’re visiting schools: $2,000
• Stupid School Boards that tell you to say things that later get you in trouble: $50,000
• Upstart teachers who write nasty things about you in the media: $10,000
• Gray, rainy weather: $5,000

I’d also like to suggest that Schools First!’s energize its education levies campaign by changing its name to $tanford First! Here are some slogans they could adopt:

• John $tanford’s in-laws were once children, too!
• Nobody has any idea what $tanford does — so let’s give him more money!
• We don’t know how much $tanford makes — so let’s give him some more!
• Give till it bleeds, for $tanford’s aged parents!
• Help $tanford beat his legal woes and maybe he’ll return the favor!
• John $tanford — “What?”